So I have no illusions of being a fitness expert yet. When i hit goal weight, maybe. When I have a six pack and little boys are like “Hey! Mr. The Rock” and I have to say “Sorry boys, people get us confused all the time.” maybe THEN I will consider myself a fitness expert. I am an expert on being fat though. I have close to 20+ years of experience, if you take out kid years, of how to get fat.

And here are your top 10 ways to get fat:

10 – Assume food tastes better just because it is unhealthy.

There is this stupid idea that was put in my head as a kid. Maybe it was because every time I didn’t want to eat something that I didn’t like I would hear “eat it, it’s good for you”.  Low fat ice cream? Yea right. Might as well put some skim milk in the freezer and eat that. In working to eliminate foods that made me fat, I have tried new things and found that I love, even prefer over the food I used to eat like the Green Chili Chicken Lime Soup recipe I posted.

9 – Limit your steps taken in a day to between 150 and 200

Before my current job, I had sold cars. It wasn’t a great job but I walked a ton up and down the lot. I was eating crap and didn’t go to the gym but I think for a long time this is what kept the extreme obesity at bay. Then I got a job in software and I took a few steps getting ready in the morning, I walked 10-12 steps out to my car, 20ish steps from the parking lot to my desk, a few for potty breaks, 20ish back to the car in the parking lot, car to home and PLOP! on the couch till bed. Add on that I never went to the gym and ate a ton of food and you can gain 100 pounds in a couple years.

8 – Eat every piece of food someone offers to you because it’s free.

Free is one of every one’s favorite words. People love the idea of something for nothing. I do. My work is always doing “Moral Marches” where they walk around handing out treats n’ stuff. People bring in cakes and goodies. Oh, and who can forget free sample Saturdays at Costco. I love watching people getting samples. It’s so freekin’ funny. They pretend to be interested in the product as they walk up and maybe ask a question about the product like they were ever going to really consider it then leave uncomfortably from the sample lady knowing they had no intentions of buying the product. If you are ever there, watch the show. Something for nothing isn’t a good thing if what you get for free is fat.

7 – Eat on the go as much as possible.

Whenever I wanted to eat at Taco Bell or something, I would make myself unnecessarily busy just so we had to “grab something on the way”. There is fast food you can work into a healthy diet sure, but when I would get up to the monitor, roll down the window and open my mouth to say “side salad with light Ranch”.  I’d end up saying “double cheeseburger … make that 2 double cheeseburgers … with a small fry…better make that a combo with a drink” then the zit faced kid would ask, “do you want to make that a large combo for only an extra sixty cents?” At this point I am grabbing the monitor screaming “YES! Give me it ALL! ALL OF IT!” It took months of deprogramming to get to the point where I could drive up with intentions of getting a side salad and leave with a side salad.

6 – Use food as a reward.

Having a birthday? Make it all about your favorite foods and deserts. Did little Mike do good on his trumpet performance? Ice cream for everyone. Did you get all your chores done, here is a candy bar.

It sounds bad when you think about it but most of us have done this to some degree. Kar and I would find ANY excuse to go out and celebrate with food. We kept telling ourselves it was a special occasion to eat out and eat whatever we wanted. Looking back I think we had more special occasion days than normal days.

5 – Eat until you are comfortably numb.

The fastest way I know to gain wait is to eat until you are stuffed every meal. It’s an American tradition on Thanksgiving to eat so much you can do nothing more than let the belt go, lean back in a comfortable chair in front of the T.V. and watch Christmas adds with bits and pieces of The Christmas Story in between. Now that you get the concept, shoot for that kind of full every day. You will find that your stomach will expand to accommodate more food than you thought it could.

4 – Self loath and give into depression.

As a general rule, it is hard to keep up a constant regimen of self destruction without a good dose of self loathing. Focus on how incredibly fat you are. Constantly give examples to yourself and everyone else how every diet you have tried failed and how you have done everything you can. Cry a lot when you think about how hard it is to be the fattest person in the room. Worry often when in public about seeing someone who saw you last time when you were not as fat. And of coarse only turn to eating more food to numb the self loathing as well as sleeping too much. Don’t read this post about positive affirmation either.

3 – Lie to yourself every time you have food in front of you.

Any way you can, lie to yourself. It’s hard to get really big if you don’t lie to yourself. In general you could say something like “I am happy being fat.” I prefer to use little lies on a consistent basis. “It’s a special occasion” like in #6. “A slice of cheesecake isn’t that many calories”, “I don’t want to be rude so I have to eat this 3 scoop banana split with marshmallow fluff and chocolate sauce.”

2 – Drink Mt. Dew … a lot

The easiest and fastest way to gain weight is to drink a ton of calories. I wrote a post about how, for many years I would drink a 64 oz Mt. Dew a day … minimum. Do you know how many calories that is?

1 – Do Nothing

This is by far the easiest way to get fat. Do nothing. Don’t change bad eating habits. Don’t start an exercise program. Don’t worry how many calories are in the foods you eat or about proper nutrition. Apathy about obesity is a great place to start if you want to gain weight. Keep all of your intentions for getting rid of the weight on a future date. A great day is tomorrow. Just never let your intentions to do something start today or you might end up writing a poem like this. 

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