So this is by first boo hoo post of what I am sure will be many but if I don’t put this stuff up on the blog it defeats the purpose.
Tomorrow is a big day in my mind. I am committed to this and at first the only feelings I had about tomorrow where excitement and a little bit of nervousness. On my way home though, I had a pretty intense breakdown. I want need this so much and I have major anxiety that I am going to have to wait 6+ months for insurance to cover the surgery. I don’t know if I can handle that.
The only thing I can compare it too was how I felt before I asked Karlie to marry me. I knew without a doubt that I needed her, that choosing her to be my wife would change my life forever. To me, the emotions about getting this surgery is a lot the same. I am ready to change my life but ultimately the it is not only up to me. At least with Karlie I had someone who loved me on the other end. This time on the other end is United Health Care. Needless to say I am not expecting much love from an insurance company.
Besides feeling painfully desperate, I also started to let my mind wander in what if land. What if something goes wrong and the doctor botches up, what if I died? What would happen to my babies and my wife? Yea, I was letting the worst possible scenarios get the best of me but I couldn’t help it.
I came home and bawled to Kar for a good 5 min. and after getting it out of my system gained some clarity and realized I needed a father’s blessing. When I get to worrying about things I have no control over I need to remind myself, that’s when I need to let God take over and put my faith in him.This thought started to get my head right again. I decided it was high time I got a father’s blessing.