Hard to like what I see now

I expected there to be a lot of things that would need to change in my life if I did or didn’t decide to get surgery but the one thing I wasn’t prepared for was the change in how I felt about myself.

I think it is built into every guy to be able to look in the mirror and regardless of what he sees, is able to pump himself up. We have to get to the point where we truly believe, even if just for a moment, that we are true studs. I think god puts that confidence in us so that we will have the courage to go after girls, defend our families and take on the world to become the breadwinner for our loved ones. That used to come easy to me.

Lately I have found it harder to find things about myself I like. In order to make real change I have had to face some pretty harsh realities about myself. I am finding I don’t like the person I am discovering. There have even been times that I have been reluctant to go places because I am embarrassed that people will see me. Faults of mine that were obvious to everyone else, I used to be able to somehow brush off. Self preservation? Necessary delusion? I don’t know, but now I look in the mirror and I see what the harsh world sees, an obscenely fat person. I look at the guy in the mirror and I want to ask him, why are you so big? Do you even care about yourself? Why did you let yourself get this way? Are you just a lazy person who can’t stop eating or what? Maybe I am not being fair to myself or maybe it’s what needs to happen to make me wake up.

There are moments of clarity and perspective but truly, the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am having my first appointment at the Surgical Weight Loss Center of Utah this week. I am so excited. For me this appointment makes it real. I will be posting details about the initial consultation, whats going to happen & with whom in the next couple days.

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