I love to eat. Just because I am trying to lose weight doesn’t change that. What is interesting to me though, is that I actually enjoy food more now. I think the reason I was eating crap is because it came easy and it came cheap. It wasn’t even exceptionally good. Now I feel like my food actually stops at my taste-buds for a while as apposed to simply being inhaled, bypassing the mouth all together.
For breakfast I ate 3 hard boiled eggs, an apple, and a string cheese. This was plenty to hold me over until lunch.
At my job, once a month the company pays for us to go to lunch. My team chose Thai food at Tyfoon. While everyone ordered beef and chicken dishes covered in thick creamy sauces, I settled on this beautiful dish.
BLACK ORCHID AHI TUNA*
Lightly blackened sashimi-grade ahi served atop a
bed of cabbage with a spicy soy mustard
It was amazing. The tuna was seared perfectly and the texture was rich and creamy. The spicy mustard sauce (a mix of mustard, soy sauce & wasabi) was a delicious high flavor, low calorie sauce & complimented the mild fish perfectly. Obviously I can’t afford to eat this delicacy often but it is a dish I can indulge in that doesn’t compromise my new lifestyle.
For dinner my wife tried a new recipe for turkey meatloaf and it was awesome! Paired it up with some pee-stinker asparagus and I will end my day well under my 1500 calories. And until just now, I hadn’t even realized I went the whole day without bread and I didn’t even miss it!
I have been exercising mostly by starting to walk around my neighborhood but last night for the first time in a long, long time I walked through the doors of my gym.
My wife and I used to clean the pool over at our old gym in exchange for free membership but having to clean the pool just made us not want to go.
Crossroads opened up just a couple months ago so Karlie signed us up. She has gone but until last night I had never opened the door.
As you can imagine, going from a completely sedentary life to trying my had at one of the torture devises here was not high on my, things that are wicked fun list but I am glad I did it. My physiologist suggest that I start with just 10 min, just enough to get my heart pumping and me breathing heavy. I started and decided I could do 15 without overdoing it. I realize 15 min. is not stripping calories but it will get my heart stronger and my lungs healthier for the surgery.
Also, yesterday was the first day I shrank my caloric intake to about 2000 calories.I stuck to 3 meals, no picking, no seconds and I took time to eat. No liquids 1/2 hour before or after I ate.
If you start a blog about being overweight & open it up for comments, be ready for someone to point out stuff you don’t want to hear.
One of my followers, Allan is kind of a balls to the wall guy. Actually he is the only other guy I know blogging openly about his weight loss. While “irreverent”, as I have described before, his approach gets me up on my toes.
The majority of the time I do best with encouragement and positive reinforcement but after last night’s crying fest I needed someone to tell me to suck it up and get to work.
On a side note, I had my largest contribution towards my weight loss surgery come in as you can see in the little widget on the right! Thank you so much everyone who has shown your support by donating even the smallest amount. It adds a level of accountability that solidifies my dedication to making life changes NOW!
If you want to follow what he wrote on his blog and the comments that followed go check it out.
WARNING: Allan’s likes his 4 letter words
so if you click over to his blog…be ready.
Just feel so discouraged, angry and frustrated. My wife and I planned out healthy meal options for the next week, made a grocery list and went over to Wally*World tonight. We got some lean cuts of meat, fish, some whole wheat pasta, veggies, fruit… It was the first time we had been shopping in weeks and I was feeling really good that we were trying to set ourselves up for success in the cumming weeks. No crap!
Anyway, I was feeling very positive and energized and then some young jerk college kid comes around the corner, sees me and blurts out “Woa! That’s a TON of man.” out loud to his girlfriend. I kept walking … wondering if I just heard what I thought I did. Before what just happened could register in my mind they were gone, so I just kept shopping. Karlie didn’t hear it, she was down the isle. On the surface I just blew it off like I have soooooo many times in the past but it just kept festering and festering until all I could think about was slamming my fist in that guys face. I started acting cranky and impatient with my family as we shopped and we got out of there like an hour later.
We got home and started unloading the groceries. I broke down in tears but mostly in anger. How could someone be so rude. I am TRYING to change, I am TRYING to stay positive and motivated, then some cocky kid blows what little self esteem I have left out of the water! I just wanted to scream “YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH!”, peppered with 4 letter words that are more befitting to a Chris Rock concert than a good ol’ Mormon boy.
After the stages of shock & anger, came depression. Thinking about starting school again, worrying about walking into a classroom of plastic chairs with a piece of wood jetting out the side for a desk. It does wonders to one’s moral starting the semester by dragging in a chair into class from another room because you are too big to sit in the provided furniture.
I think emotions are running extra high because now I have chosen to face the problem instead of ignoring it. The reason I want to punch some guy I don’t know, who is worth less than the 99 cent box of fat free, low sodium crackers I was holding… it’s because I am doing everything in my power to change… and that’s a good thing.
Well sorry for the novel but it made me feel a lot better.
Yesterday being my first day at 1500 calories, I was juiced to come in under my 1500 calories and I was 50 over. I wouldn’t hear of it so I decided I wanted to burn them off with a little workout. I was in the market for some headphones to work out with, so I planned to go over to Wal*Mart, get the headphones, then hit the pavement. I pulled up to the parking lot and parked in the furthest spot (about 150 yards away) and started doing my fat-man version of a Richard Simmons power -walk to the door. The lot was on a slant so the walk uphill had my heart beating full force by the time I hit the door and the sweat started to bead up on my forehead. I felt so good I didn’t stop when I hit the door, I kept hoofin’ it back to the electronics section, walking in place I grabbed some headphones and decided to keep jetting back to the auto section at the back corner of the store. I thought to myself, “I got a good thing goin’ here” and I started going up and down each row. I moved through sporting goods, weaved through toys and back through electronics…
Now let me stop for a sec and make sure you have the picture here. If you are imagining a fat guy, waddling down the isle in a leisurely stroll, you aren’t seeing it. It’s more like a giant ball of furry, billowing down the isle in a huffing and puffing, leaning into the turns, hope I don’t lose traction and take out an old woman kind of way. Now that we are clear…
… I moved through sporting goods, weaved through toys and back through electronics. I hit the short baby supply isles and went full bore into frozen food. “Freekin’ Butter!!!!”, I screamed in my head as burned past the dairy isle. I started to get pissed as I passed the food that once held so much power over me. My anger pushed me even more to the point I was half walking, half chunky-man jogging. People started to look at me like I was crazy…and they weren’t far off to think so. The last isle was the bread isle. I started to jog to the finish and out of spite for my doughy nemesis, turned the corner and ran the bread isle one more time just as a stick-it-to-ya…… I slow down as I approach the cash register to keep the tiny Asian lady from any assumptions that I would run her over. Luckily there was no one in her express lane. Sweating, huffing & puffing, I through the headphones I had been carrying on the conveyor belt. Kim, my poor checkout lady, starts to look up with a smile that quickly turned to alarm and concern as her eyes met my face. She stared at me as she scanned my 1 item and gave me my total. By the look on her face I can only assume she was working out in her mind if she should pull out her billy club from underneath her register in preparations to defend herself or if she should be ready to call 911 if I dropped dead in front of her. Luckily she said nothing but “Have a nice day”. I walked out of the store in cool-down fashion, my knees wobbling a little in rebellion. By the time I reached my car I had gained composure and I started busting out laughing in the parking lot. If anyone from the store had seen me laughing out loud in the parking lot, their thoughts about me being crazy would have been confirmed. I think all the celery is getting to my brain.
A couple small victories in the battle over the weekend. After dinner on Friday I decided it was to early for the kids to go to bead so I took the family on a short walk around the neighborhood. It was no Richard Simmons power walk but we were moving instead of plopping in front of the boob tube. The kids absolutely loved it and it made me realize I need to do more little things like that.
Also last night I had the option to stay home or go visit my mother-in-law’s house with the kids to go see the baby chicks that had hatched. That may not seem like something even worth mentioning but it was making a choice to do something I didn’t really want to do because I knew it was the better option. If nothing else I am making changes in the way I think about things.
This week is when the challenges become greater and making my health a priority takes extra effort because I am starting school. I will be taking 3 classes at the community college towards finishing up my business associates degree and starting my CS degree. Switching majors means I just added 4 years more of college but you have to go after what you love. Wish me luck with my new busy busier schedule!
In my initial consultation for surgery, I met with a psychologist. I loved that the Surgical Weight Loss Center of Utah has a Psychologist in house. I was also very glad that it is part of the program. I truly believe that there the psychological changes are as important as the physical changes. “Eating the Moment” by Pavel Somov. A lot of our conversation and advice she pulled straight from the book. I’m ordering it today. Has anyone read it?
Side note: Couldn’t they make these books not look like they are from the Oprah Book Club? I’m not asking for a scene from Rambo on the cover, just something I can read in the break room at my work without catching flack. Oh well.
Other books the psychologist recommend:
- Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think
- Eating Mindfully: How to End Mindless Eating and Enjoy a Balanced Relationship with Food
Thank you so much to everyone that had positive words of encouragement. When I started this blog I had no intentions of making it public because I am embarrassed about my situation. The people that I have met after making the blog public and the good feedback you guys offer makes me want to keep going.
FYI I have not giving up or ever intend to, you caught me in one of my “moments”. My wife says I am kind of a drama King. I vent frustrations then regather and return to a normal person pretty quick.
Here is what i am doing right now:
- I have already cut out all liquid calories. No more soda (diet or non) no fruit juices. Strict Water / Crystal Light
- Exercise has been nonexistent. After meeting with the personal trainer I will be going to the gym 3 times a week (Tues, Thurs, Sat) At first she wants me to go for just 10 min. I can do that right?
- Eating habits I am changing:
- Eat at the kitchen table. (we used to eat in front of the T.V.)
- Plate meals and put away any leftovers before we eat (no seconds)
- Small changes in types of food I eat. (brown rice instead of white, ground turkey instead of beef)
I realize there is a lot more I could be doing but right now, this is what I can REALISTICALLY commit to. Understand that while these changes seem minor to some, they are big in my world.
What do I do when I am not at work? Honestly, it was always about the next meal. I think when most people think about things that excite them they think of places to go, people to see and activities to do.
I got into a rut where the best thing I had going for me after work was dinner. In so many ways the only thing I would look forward to was the next meal. Special dinners at family’s house, eating out… Special occasions became more about what I was going to eat at the occasion than the occasion itself. Writing that now sounds so messed up.
I used to play guitar and fill my time with music. I have a passion for fishing and the outdoors. I love playing with my kids at the park. Here is the thing, I have gotten to the point where everything I love to do is so difficult because of my weight I almost don’t even want to do them. Playing guitar is hard to do now, even holding it is a struggle. The last thing I want to do is sink someone’s boat fishing or be exhausted from walking to the mouth of the trail I want to hike. Playing at the park with my kids now consists of me sitting at a distance while they play.
I want to use the things I love to help me lose weight but my weight prevents me from doing them. I just with I was going in for surgery this week!
Well for at least another 6 months (which feels like forever). Just as expected the insurance company is requiring that I give it another go down “short-term-result ally” in order for them to fork out the dough. They want measured doctor visits for the next 6 months documenting all that the doctor wants me to try before surgery. Reasons why that sucks like a Dyson Vacuum:
- I have to wait to do something I have worked myself up to do for the last 6 months just to be told I need to spend another 6 months.
- Because of my other medical expenses I would have only had to pay $2,000 out of pocket before my insurance covers the rest if the procedure was done this year. Now I have to pay $6,000 + out of pocket because my out of pocket expenses will set back to $0 in Jan. Not to mention all the other expenses with medication, checkups….
- I am robbed of the 6 months I could be loosing 8-10 lbs a month a week! I want to enjoy my summer next year at 80 pounds lighter. Take 6 months out and maybe I only loose 35 pounds by summer.
- I am very interested in advancing my career and I feel opportunities that would be mine would be hindered at my current weight. (Because all fat people are lazy…right?)
More to come about the details of the good parts of the visit (yea there were high points)